What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
