if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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