planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
