I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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