sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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