I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
