dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
