Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
