once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
be right there i have to get my cape
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize