Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
