I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
