If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
