bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
bring money and cleavage
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
