if only i could text you this smell
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
