my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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