He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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