There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
