I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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