I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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