I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
