Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
