giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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