I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
