Me too!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
