so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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