he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
