I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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