you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
