i don't like sucking hair
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
