you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
