1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
