we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Boobs are out for the taking
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
