One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize