I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
