I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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