Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My balls are so social today.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
