Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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