You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
