I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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