I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You need a sexual gate keeper
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
