Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
