I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize