Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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