I'm eating all of the evidence.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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