but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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