I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
