I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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