Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
