Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
