I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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