Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
