the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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