im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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