my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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