I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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