Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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