I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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