my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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