I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
