Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
