Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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