So drunk its hurt
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
