You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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